Polka-dots on General Pershing (Photo by NBC News)
Last week several hundred giant polka dots mysteriously appeared all over the street on General Pershing, near Constance. Apparently, the dots are a city-approved plan, spearheaded by Ecole Bilingue de la Nouvelle-Orléans, in an effort to slow down traffic — because, you know, the core safety issue with our city’s roads is the lack of patterns.
Plus, there’s nothing like brightly colored dots to intimidate hasty drivers into slowing down. The best part? The dots cost $8,000 to design.
While the dot committee clearly nailed NOLA’s road safety issue, how might else could they have made General Pershing a safer and more zen driving scene? They could:
- Line the street with student-run kombucha juice and quinoa cookie stands, where youngins would forcibly manipulate drivers-by into purchasing and ingesting the healing properties of their products.
- Enlist the help of Kenny G (or for that matter a stereo and a Best of Kenny G album) to play his soothing ballads street-side.
- Swap out the neighborhood’s traffic police for an army of yogis who’d zen the heck out of traffic.
- Offer (a shirtless) Channing Tatum a side job while he’s in town filming: mowing lawns around pick-up and drop-off times.
- Quarantine habitually reckless drivers in adult detention. Oh, wait, I think we call this place Central Lockup.
- Capitalize on the Big Easy’s “we’ll get there when we get there” mantra and sponsore a “Last Person to the Finish Line” race: last person to the end of General Pershing gets a box of Popeyes that may or may not be waiting for you upon arrival.
- Embellish the street with $20 bills.
- Hell, $100 bills.
- Operate the road like a carnival ride: Once you cross St. Charles Avenue, you disembark your vehicle and mount an ailing donkey that will lead you down General Pershing, at a safe yet efficient pace of 2 miles per hour.
- Purchase a stop sign for $74.99 and use the remaining $7,925.01 on a party, 800 tasting menus at August, a rented herd of ponies, or pretty much anything other than the design and production of a slew of calming dots (also known as circles).
- Execute actual roadwork.
Chelsea Lee is assistant editor of NolaVie. Email comments to her at email@example.com.