It’s about to go down. Unicorn-style. Outside Tipitina’s. This Saturday, July 21, at 8:42 p.m. Even in a town known for it’s “wtf-dat?” moments, this one is going to be particularly … w….t…f!?!?
The “moment” is a pho-test protest by the Mystic Krewe of PUEWC against the Intergalactic Krewe of Chewbacchus (PUEWC stands for People for the inclusion of Unicorns, Elves, and Whinebots in Chewbacchus). Imagine: unicorns, elves, whinebots and those who love them protesting outside Tip’s while wookies, vulcans, whovians, and UFO conspiracy theorists host their Alien Beach Party inside.
Now, I know the idea of unicorns protesting wookies may seem far-fetched. I mean, ours is a city where everyone seems to get along with everyone (unless you count city officials and federal agents).
But, strange as it may seem, unicorns and wookies do not get along. At all. The hate goes back 5,000 years to a time when elves ruled the planet. Their favorite pastime was the rather sadistic sport of forced mating between wookies and unicorns. Let’s just say the furballs did not like where those horns were pointing. Which is why wookies have such a pained howl-cry. And why, to this day, they drink copious amounts of alcohol.
It’s also why Chewbacchus has refused to allow unicrons, elves and whinebots in its ranks.(How did the whinebots get involved? Uh … ever heard a whinebot?!?!? You want dat in your parade?)
PUEWC thinks 5,000 years is long enough for a grudge. As such, they have been working tirelessy to negotiate an agreement in which Carnival season has a place for all things fantasy (including Harry Potter wizards, Lord of the Rings hobbits, D&D warriors, True Blood vampires, Buffy slayers, even werewolves and wererats).
As PUEWC’s lead negotiatior, Merlinton the Wizagator says, “Dorks and nerds have forged unions in elementary schools across the continuum of time. Chewbacchus and PUEWC belong together.”
It has not been an easy sell. Go to the dueling PUEWC and Chewbacchus Facebook pages and you’ll see hurled insults that would make R2D2 short-circuit. First, Chewbacchus launched a whisper campaign that alleged that Mitt Romney is a unicorn. PUEWC countered by pointing out that Ricky Mathews is an Ewok. Next, Chewbacchus posted a Michael Buble video in which he boasts about shooting Russian unicorns.
Bottom line: It’s been ugly.
But it got downright violent this week when Chewbacchus Overlord Dilithium Hot Sauce sent word inviting PUEWC to the Secret Moonbase for renewed negotiations. Unicorns from every corner of the globe showed up, hopeful that a deal was in sight.
As the picture at left attests, instead of a deal, the sight they got was a lassoing Hot Sauce Overlord who single-handedly roped each and every unicorn and wheeled them into ovens where Overlord MC Ghetto Fett roasted them into cans of Uni-Spam (which Chewbacchus will serve at Tip’s on Saturday).
Asked to respond to this latest development, Chewbacchus and PUEWC seem to be far, far away from ending the impasse. Finishing a dressed Unicorn Po-boy, Overlord Chewbaccabra belched and said, “Let me be very clear: No one is PUEWCing on Chewbacchus. Ever.”
To which PUEWC’s Warenutria Charmer replied, “We’ll just see who is roasting who come Saturday.”
So there you have it.
Unicorns vs. Wookies. Nerds vs. Dorks. Sci-fi vs. Fantasy. It’s all about to get hairy, horny, geeky, out of this world … and over the top. Only in New Orleans. Only at Tip’s. If any of you can out wtf dat, let me know.
As for the rest of you, furballs and hornballs alike: See you outside Tip’s. This Saturday. At 8:42 sharp.
Brett Will Taylor is a southern Shaman who writes Love: NOLA weekly for NolaVie. Visit his site at ashamansjourney.net.